1 00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:03,989 (Jane) Lovejoy? Hello? 2 00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:06,797 Lovejoy? 3 00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:08,891 - Lovejoy! - Yeah? 4 00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:12,132 - Janey! - Hello. What are you doing? 5 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:15,539 People! Look at this, this is a beautiful Minton tile, eh? 6 00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:18,806 Probably part of this fireplace surround. 7 00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:22,941 Most of them are chipped or cracked, probably been replaced by plastic. 8 00:01:22,982 --> 00:01:25,007 - Oh, did you get my message? - What message? 9 00:01:25,051 --> 00:01:26,518 A Jim Leonard rang. 10 00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:29,249 - Jim Leonard? - Bye. 11 00:01:31,624 --> 00:01:34,115 Jim Leonard. 12 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,684 Taught me all I know. 13 00:01:35,728 --> 00:01:40,631 Well, all of most of what I know about antiques and the other stuff, you know - 14 00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:43,227 how to spot a fake, how to make one. 15 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:47,797 I once saw him cook a Van Gogh - well, a Van Gogh lookalike - 16 00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:50,810 in a low-voltage microwave oven done to a T. 17 00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:55,475 Hmm. Lots of ways to make money. 18 00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:58,849 You can pan for gold, dig for diamonds... 19 00:01:58,885 --> 00:02:01,376 Huh! Others find oil. 20 00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:04,913 Jim, looks for green, the banker's vitamin. 21 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:08,291 The only protection against people like him is honesty 22 00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:10,489 and there's not much of that about these days. 23 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:13,560 Thank goodness. 24 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,898 Jim, how are you? 25 00:02:15,935 --> 00:02:18,733 Fine. Good to see you. 26 00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:20,568 Ron? 27 00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:22,598 Have you met Ron Nokes? 28 00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:26,578 No. Hans Koopman but call me Midas. 29 00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:29,673 - I'm from Xanadu. - Right, I heard. 30 00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:33,985 I wouldn't have thought this would've been in your line. 31 00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:36,318 I thought you preferred established reputations. 32 00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:42,556 At Xanadu, we buy art, lots of art, but we make reputations. 33 00:02:42,595 --> 00:02:45,962 Being taken up by us is a benchmark of success. 34 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:53,906 Now, not everyone approves. Some say Hans Koopman is a trend junkie, 35 00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:55,737 a fashion freak. 36 00:02:55,775 --> 00:02:57,402 I can live with that. 37 00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:59,707 So do you like my work, Mr. Koopman? 38 00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:03,375 I want to buy your show, all of it. 39 00:03:04,984 --> 00:03:07,509 I heard. Didn't believe it. 40 00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:09,351 Oh, it's true. 41 00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:12,552 I give you £10,000 for it. 42 00:03:12,592 --> 00:03:14,150 I want to sign you up. 43 00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:17,787 Not interested? 44 00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:20,733 - There is one problem. - Share it. 45 00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:24,495 There's five years' work here, Mr. Koopman. 46 00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:26,596 Yeah, I read the catalog. 47 00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:30,473 Ten grand for five years' solid work, Koopman? 48 00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:33,001 Oh! 49 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,514 You think it's ungenerous? 50 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:37,175 Frankly, yeah. 51 00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:43,112 Good. I like a man who speaks his mind. 52 00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:44,987 We'll get on. 53 00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:52,487 But you know, at this moment, the name Ron Nokes, with respect, 54 00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:56,127 is not a name that gives off vibrations. 55 00:03:56,169 --> 00:04:00,503 The art business is like any other business. 56 00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,168 People buy names, brand names. 57 00:04:03,209 --> 00:04:08,408 Now, you are 23, you started work on some of these pieces when you what? 58 00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:11,110 - Er, 18? - Some of them, yeah. 59 00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:14,449 Ron, believe me, 60 00:04:14,487 --> 00:04:16,546 they look like it. 61 00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:19,422 Think of this 10,000 as an investment in your future. 62 00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,723 It's your potential that I'm buying. 63 00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:26,095 Now, shall we go for a drink? A real drink? 64 00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:32,629 Such confidence, such bravado, 65 00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:34,970 only comes with youth. 66 00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:38,102 You know, this boy Knowles, he could be... 67 00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:39,941 - Nokes. - Mm? 68 00:04:39,979 --> 00:04:43,176 - Nokes. - Whatever. 69 00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:46,845 He could be, well, another Henry Moore. 70 00:04:46,886 --> 00:04:51,016 You've seen his stuff. It's perfect for Xanadu. 71 00:04:51,057 --> 00:04:58,020 And the beauty of it is, apart from the art, he is as dumb as an ox. 72 00:04:58,064 --> 00:05:02,057 He probably thinks Paradise Lost is a football result. 73 00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:04,399 - (Chuckling) - No, he will sign up. 74 00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:06,268 He will join our stable. 75 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:09,400 - I thought stables were for horses. - Horses? 76 00:05:09,442 --> 00:05:10,875 Just my little joke. 77 00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:14,141 Any littler, I would've missed it. 78 00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:15,909 Tell me, Jim, are you anti-success? 79 00:05:15,948 --> 00:05:18,246 No! Not at all. 80 00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:22,920 You Brits and your traditions. 81 00:05:22,955 --> 00:05:27,551 I've never known a race to be more dedicatedly anti-success. 82 00:05:27,593 --> 00:05:32,758 You struggle for years or slice an ear off, everybody loves you. 83 00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:38,465 But if you make it, make it big, you spend the rest of your life apologizing. 84 00:05:39,772 --> 00:05:42,002 When are you coming down to Rokeby Hall? 85 00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:44,874 Wild horses wouldn't keep me away. 86 00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:47,539 A Gustav Klimt, you don't come across every day. 87 00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:48,740 True. 88 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:52,239 I'm agog. Xanadu doesn't own many Klimts. 89 00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:54,879 - Telephone, Mr. Koopman. - Ah, excuse me, Jim. 90 00:05:55,955 --> 00:05:57,479 It's my call from Zürich. 91 00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:15,967 (Whistles) 92 00:06:23,015 --> 00:06:26,109 (Chiming) 93 00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:30,747 It's not a bad little joint. Your starter for 15 - what's this? 94 00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:32,985 - Er, that's, that's... - Come along, come along. 95 00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:35,152 - That's a mounting block. - Used for what? 96 00:06:35,194 --> 00:06:37,594 Helping the aged and infirm into their saddles. 97 00:06:37,630 --> 00:06:39,063 - Bicycle saddles? - Horses. 98 00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:41,658 - Whoever taught you did a good job. - Didn't he? 99 00:06:42,802 --> 00:06:44,895 Where have you been for seven years? 100 00:06:44,937 --> 00:06:47,098 - Around. - Not around here. 101 00:06:49,108 --> 00:06:51,133 - What's all this, eh? - House-sitting. 102 00:06:51,177 --> 00:06:54,010 The owners are old friends. They've er... gone away for a bit. 103 00:06:55,681 --> 00:06:57,876 And left you in charge, eh? 104 00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:01,444 I know what you're thinking, Lovejoy. I find that offensive, highly offensive. 105 00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:04,650 - Sorry, Jim. - So I should think. 106 00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:11,122 - The 100 Club. - 100 Oxford Street. 107 00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:15,794 Siouxsie and the Banshees debuted there in nineteen seventy s... eight. 108 00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:19,597 The Electric Ballroom. 109 00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:23,507 Camden High Street, Sid Vicious played his last UK gig there. 110 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,570 When? 111 00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:27,704 August '78. 112 00:07:27,747 --> 00:07:30,614 It was billed as "Sid sods off". 113 00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:34,313 Yes, well, they did things more stylishly at Dame Nellie's farewell. 114 00:07:34,353 --> 00:07:35,684 Dame who? 115 00:07:35,721 --> 00:07:37,712 Nellie Melba, 116 00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:39,588 great Australian diva. 117 00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:42,287 Escoffier named the peach Melba after her. 118 00:07:42,328 --> 00:07:44,796 It's difficult to imagine what they named after Mr. Vicious, 119 00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:47,265 unless it was a vomitarium. 120 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,824 Next. 121 00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:52,099 22 Lansdowne Crescent. 122 00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:56,074 Er... Monika Dannemann's Notting Hill pad, 123 00:07:56,108 --> 00:07:57,973 Jimi Hendrix' last night. 124 00:07:58,010 --> 00:08:00,570 - Why, Eric? - Was I right? 125 00:08:00,613 --> 00:08:03,013 Yes, but why? Why all the useless information? 126 00:08:03,049 --> 00:08:06,109 Because it's not useless, because I have seen the future 127 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,676 and it's pop. 128 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:11,713 - What's your father got to do with it? - Popmabilia. 129 00:08:11,757 --> 00:08:16,524 I Jimi Hendrix Stratocaster guitar sold at Sotheby's in 1990. 130 00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:19,656 - How much? - Tuppence ha'penny, I should think. 131 00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:23,032 £198,000. 132 00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:35,338 We need to smarten you up a tad. Have you got any nice clothes? 133 00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:37,042 I will when you buy me some. 134 00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:40,519 Lovejoy, an art advisor to the VandA. VandA all right? 135 00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:43,021 - VandA's fine. Advisor on what? - We're selling a picture. 136 00:08:43,055 --> 00:08:45,683 - We are? - We are. An oil, Gustav Klimt. 137 00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:48,660 You are the country's leading authority on 20th-century painting. 138 00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:50,184 - I am? - You are. 139 00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:52,459 Er, one thing, the house owner. 140 00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:54,261 - Sir Alan Trenchard. - Yeah. 141 00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:56,029 Might he have something to say about this? 142 00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:57,535 We haven't lost our bottle, have we? 143 00:08:57,570 --> 00:08:58,730 - Jim... - Lovejoy. 144 00:08:58,771 --> 00:09:01,501 Since I've seen you, I've been inside. 145 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,532 I'd heard. Awful. 146 00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:05,942 You must meet such a dreadful class of person. 147 00:09:05,978 --> 00:09:10,176 Open prison. I was one of the few people that wasn't a company director. 148 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:14,778 I live round here, I have done for some time, I'd like to continue doing so. 149 00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:18,984 No problem. 150 00:09:19,025 --> 00:09:21,084 I must give you the Cook's tour. 151 00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,290 (Lovejoy) Ooh. 152 00:09:26,465 --> 00:09:29,457 Tell me about the urns, Lovejoy. 153 00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:33,165 Never mind about the urns, why do you want me, Jim? 154 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,602 Because I can't do it without you. 155 00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:38,803 Koopman's a difficult man to con and he's dangerous 156 00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:42,302 and you're still the best - the divvy, the magic touch. 157 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:45,580 Take him through the house and do your stuff. 158 00:09:47,286 --> 00:09:50,847 Well, if we want to sell the Klimt, we don't sell him the Klimt. 159 00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:55,088 Oh! That's why I need you, Lovejoy. 160 00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:58,926 - Tea, Mr. Lovejoy? - Not "Mister" Lovejoy. 161 00:09:58,965 --> 00:10:03,959 Lovejoy. Mister suggests there's millions of them but there's only the one. 162 00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:07,461 Let me introduce Judy, my better half. 163 00:10:07,506 --> 00:10:09,269 Hello. 164 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,637 - Married? - Mmm. 165 00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:13,235 Fleeting moment of madness. 166 00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:16,908 Two glasses of Irish stout and the moon rising over Marbella. 167 00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:18,940 Margate. 168 00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:22,546 The maximum of temptation and, thank God, the maximum of opportunity. 169 00:10:22,588 --> 00:10:25,284 - Who said that? - I did. 170 00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:27,315 Didn't you hear? 171 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,692 - Tea. - Oh, yes. 172 00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:32,596 - Earl Grey with a slice? - Milk and three lumps. 173 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,100 - Scone and strawberry jam? - Terrific. 174 00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:38,399 - Why are you doing it? - Warren's gone fishing. 175 00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:40,598 - Warren? - Staff. 176 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,473 - Ha. - I'll serve it on the terrace. 177 00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:46,775 Nothing wrong with your eyes. 178 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:49,474 Judy is going to be my sister. 179 00:10:49,515 --> 00:10:51,676 You're going to use your own wife as bait? 180 00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:55,278 It's because of her we're here. 181 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,585 Koopman destroyed her father. 182 00:10:57,623 --> 00:11:00,353 I promised I'd redress the balance. 183 00:11:05,798 --> 00:11:11,236 The thing I don't understand is who'd buy all this stuff? 184 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:17,499 Who buys? I'll tell you who buys popmabilia - the fans, 185 00:11:17,543 --> 00:11:20,740 the dealers, the roadies, the punters. 186 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:24,110 And then, of course, there's the big buyers, the burger barons. 187 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:26,778 - The who? - No, the burger barons. 188 00:11:26,819 --> 00:11:27,877 (Chuckles) 189 00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:31,450 Well, they're the main movers and shakers, you see, 190 00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:34,015 the faces who own all the big burger joints. 191 00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:36,460 I mean, they plaster the walls with popmabilia. 192 00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:39,794 And now there's all the counterfeit gear, the forgeries. 193 00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:42,960 I mean, one smashed up Ricky looks much like another, you know. 194 00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:45,197 - Who's Ricky? - (Sighs) 195 00:11:45,237 --> 00:11:48,206 The question is, did Peter Townshend smash it? 196 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,367 - And if he did? - Well, bingo! 197 00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:52,604 Megabucks. 198 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,772 I only wish someone would bankroll me. 199 00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:56,111 Yes? 200 00:11:56,148 --> 00:12:00,676 Well, then I could go to LA, Nashville, the Big A. 201 00:12:01,921 --> 00:12:03,684 Where? 202 00:12:04,623 --> 00:12:07,786 (Lovejoy) Selling Trenchard's Klimt. 203 00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:10,523 So what's he gonna say when he comes home? 204 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:15,694 I'm not selling a Klimt, I'm selling the illusion that I'm selling a Klimt. 205 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,533 We've stayed here a few times, you see, we know the picture well. 206 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,766 Jim could paint it from memory if he had to. 207 00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:25,766 - Koopman's an expert. - So are you, Lovejoy. VandA, remember? 208 00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:30,214 You can't con an honest man. First lesson. 209 00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:31,546 I've not forgotten. 210 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,984 We'll get the money paid into an account in Holland 211 00:12:34,019 --> 00:12:36,988 and Judy and I will take off on an extended vacation. 212 00:12:37,022 --> 00:12:41,652 Holland. Smells like diamonds, Jim. 213 00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:43,755 (Jim) Diamonds. 214 00:12:43,796 --> 00:12:46,890 Small, easily portable, 215 00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:48,627 impossible to trace. 216 00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,658 You'll get first cut, Lovejoy. 217 00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:55,704 So er... 218 00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:58,972 tell me more about Xanadu. 219 00:13:00,012 --> 00:13:04,142 Well, they buy art like most people buy carpet, by the yard. 220 00:13:04,183 --> 00:13:06,549 Then they shove it into one of their Swiss warehouses 221 00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:09,782 and it sits there like gold in Fort Knox. 222 00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:12,484 - Does the public have any access to it? - Oh, no way. 223 00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:14,652 It just stays there, appreciating. 224 00:13:14,693 --> 00:13:19,824 - And appreciating and appreciating. - So they never get to see it at all? 225 00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:22,595 Never, it just gets sold on when the time is right, 226 00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,398 all to private collectors. 227 00:13:24,436 --> 00:13:28,668 Koopman has all the ethics of a piranha. 228 00:13:28,707 --> 00:13:31,733 - One slip... - So as the Romans used to say... 229 00:13:31,777 --> 00:13:35,941 semper natis cultor defende. 230 00:13:36,448 --> 00:13:37,813 What the hell does that mean? 231 00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:39,613 Always cover your arse. 232 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:42,646 Taught you that in prison, did they? 233 00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:46,324 Oh, this is lovely. 234 00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:48,258 Take it, please. 235 00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:50,455 - Eric. - Uh-huh. 236 00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,726 - Oh, not the big one? - Yes, the big one. 237 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:55,757 - Are you buying it by the acre? - Oh, get on with it. 238 00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:57,260 Pop, remember? 239 00:13:57,303 --> 00:13:58,930 I'll pop you in a minute. 240 00:13:58,971 --> 00:14:00,905 - (Clattering) - Careful, careful! 241 00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:04,967 - Got that one. - Oh, lovely. 242 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:08,070 - 45. - I feel guilty charging you. 243 00:14:08,113 --> 00:14:12,140 - Don't be. Can you get any more? - Has a bird got wings? 244 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:14,049 Make them large and Victorian, 245 00:14:14,086 --> 00:14:17,578 they must be oils, on canvas, board or sacking. 246 00:14:17,623 --> 00:14:19,250 Any particular style? 247 00:14:19,291 --> 00:14:21,657 They needn't have any style at all. 248 00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,120 Ooh! 249 00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,165 Soften him up in the drawing room, 250 00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,535 let him feast his greedy eyes on those Stubbs. 251 00:14:33,572 --> 00:14:37,804 - What about the ceiling in the boudoir? - All those nipples and buttocks? 252 00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:40,471 - It is la guerre. - But it is not magnifique. 253 00:14:40,512 --> 00:14:43,072 I like it, I like it. 254 00:14:43,115 --> 00:14:44,878 Where the hell is Lovejoy? 255 00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:06,967 What a charming village. You didn't tell me. 256 00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,769 Ah, you took the scenic route. 257 00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:11,867 We arrived a few minutes early. It's beautiful. 258 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,538 You haven't met my sister, Judy. 259 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:17,015 - My pleasure, madam. - Mr. Koopman, welcome to Rokeby Hall. 260 00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:22,419 Lovejoy, art advisor to the VandA. 20th century is his specialty. 261 00:15:22,454 --> 00:15:25,446 - Lovejoy. - Koopman. 262 00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:27,891 Fancy a stroll before we get down to the nitty-gritty? 263 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:31,192 Walking's not what I'm here for. Where's the Klimt? 264 00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:33,528 Oh, surely just a few minutes? It's such a lovely day. 265 00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:34,759 No, thank you. 266 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,928 Not even a titter at the ha-ha? 267 00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:40,336 - I'm sorry? - Shall we go in? 268 00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:48,540 I'll go and organize some coffee. 269 00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:50,138 (Jim) Right. 270 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:56,143 Nice Chinese vases. Um, Ming? 271 00:15:56,188 --> 00:16:00,818 Ming design. Japanese, actually - Imari. 272 00:16:00,859 --> 00:16:04,886 See the blue underglaze? Exported to Europe at the end of the 18th century. 273 00:16:04,930 --> 00:16:07,364 - Part of the chinoiserie range. - Ah. 274 00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:15,196 Oh. What is that pile of manure doing here? 275 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:19,973 Huh! Thomas Gainsborough's portrait of Juliana - 276 00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:23,504 probably after Gainsborough. 277 00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:25,016 Mmm. 278 00:16:26,885 --> 00:16:29,786 Bloody long time after, I'd say. 279 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,484 - The original's in Washington. - I know. 280 00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:36,984 At Xanadu, we have six Gainsboroughs, all authenticated and original. 281 00:16:37,029 --> 00:16:39,054 Five Reynolds. 282 00:16:39,098 --> 00:16:43,159 And er... some Romneys. 283 00:16:43,202 --> 00:16:45,136 You're very observant. 284 00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:47,195 Well, it's my business. 285 00:16:47,239 --> 00:16:52,438 Tell me, Jim, your sister. She's not married? 286 00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:54,139 Widow. Tragic story. 287 00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:58,138 Her husband was a flier in the Royal Air Force. 288 00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:02,085 Ejected but lost consciousness. Drowned in a loch. 289 00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:05,955 And some of the Klimt money will go to her, right? 290 00:17:05,991 --> 00:17:08,323 - How did you know that? - Am I right? 291 00:17:08,894 --> 00:17:10,327 Yes. 292 00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:12,353 Ja. Intuition. 293 00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:14,195 Something you said. 294 00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:18,727 You know, Jim, you bark a lot but really, at heart, you are a marshmallow. 295 00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:21,035 Good job I've got Lovejoy in my corner. 296 00:17:21,073 --> 00:17:23,234 Yes, some of the money will go to Judy, 297 00:17:23,275 --> 00:17:26,108 then there's the plumber's bill, improvements on the farm buildings, 298 00:17:26,145 --> 00:17:29,205 the roof leaks, the drains need... 299 00:17:29,248 --> 00:17:31,443 How long have you got? 300 00:17:31,483 --> 00:17:33,576 And Lovejoy is here advising you. 301 00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:37,783 And the problem was whether to sell half a dozen small objects 302 00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:39,620 or go for broke on one large one. 303 00:17:39,658 --> 00:17:43,992 Ah. Or whether to sell over the counter or under. 304 00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:46,020 (Chuckles) Exactly. 305 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,556 Whereas, if you popped it into auction... 306 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:52,001 Commissions and taxes would swallow up to 60%. 307 00:17:52,037 --> 00:17:54,267 Thank heavens for Xanadu. 308 00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:59,801 But then, at Xanadu, of course, we don't pay market prices. 309 00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:02,473 Ah. Stubbs. 310 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:07,344 Tell me, Lovejoy, what do you think of it? 311 00:18:07,386 --> 00:18:08,944 Oh, it's very nice. 312 00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:12,013 - It's the tenth lord, right. - Hmm? 313 00:18:12,057 --> 00:18:13,456 Oh, yes, yes, that's right. 314 00:18:13,492 --> 00:18:15,790 Stubbs didn't paint many named portraits, 315 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:19,787 he preferred anonymous grooms if he had to show people. 316 00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:24,463 Tell me, the tenth lord. 317 00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:29,304 All these pictures of other lords going back to when our countries were at war. 318 00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:33,471 So why is Jim just plain Mr. Leonard? 319 00:18:33,512 --> 00:18:38,540 Ah, the title runs through the female line. 320 00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:40,711 The distaff side. 321 00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:42,947 Have you seen a priest hole? 322 00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:49,250 Eric, that's the worst yet. 323 00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:51,455 I know, they're awful, all of them. 324 00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:54,261 But this sets new standards of awfulness. 325 00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:57,757 I know. He's totally flipped his lid. He's buying as if there's no tomorrow. 326 00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:01,034 - Maybe the frames are worth something. - Come on, look at it. 327 00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:04,435 No, maybe not. 328 00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,967 Oh, it doesn't look any better the right way up. 329 00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:11,346 Ah! Jane, it's very good of you, I hope I haven't been too long. 330 00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:13,010 No, not at all. 331 00:19:13,852 --> 00:19:17,310 Tinker, you've been buying up these oils for weeks now. 332 00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:20,154 - I have a contact. - Oh? Who? 333 00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,489 I wouldn't like to say. 334 00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:25,725 After all, he's my contact and if I blabbed he'd be everybody else's contact. 335 00:19:25,764 --> 00:19:27,197 Careless talk, remember. 336 00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:29,097 - He's Spanish. - Shh! 337 00:19:30,469 --> 00:19:32,801 - Where does he work? - In Spain. 338 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,567 And? 339 00:19:34,606 --> 00:19:37,769 - Madrid. - Oh, go on, tell her. 340 00:19:38,777 --> 00:19:39,971 The Prado. 341 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,503 - The Prado? - Yes! 342 00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:44,448 He's been there for years, actually. 343 00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:47,714 Tinker, the Prado is one of the top museums in Europe, 344 00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:50,017 in the world, anywhere. 345 00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:52,182 Exciting, isn't it? 346 00:19:52,224 --> 00:19:54,886 - And these pictures are going there? - Mmm. 347 00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,895 ♪ Viva Espana ♪ 348 00:19:58,096 --> 00:20:01,031 Eric, have you met this Spaniard? 349 00:20:01,066 --> 00:20:03,364 No but I've spoken to him on the Freddy. 350 00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:05,870 Does he sound erm... mad? 351 00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:07,861 No. 352 00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:09,840 Well, what does he sound like? 353 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,843 - (Horn toots) - Spanish? 354 00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:16,204 Now, this might interest you. 355 00:20:16,248 --> 00:20:19,775 Oh, now look, since I came here, 356 00:20:19,818 --> 00:20:23,379 you've shown me Japanese Chinese vases. 357 00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:26,050 A lot of pictures of dead people's heads, 358 00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:27,854 a priest's... what? 359 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,417 - Hole. - Hole. 360 00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:31,986 Yeah, an uncharacteristic Stubbs, 361 00:20:32,030 --> 00:20:37,935 a fireplace built with Sicilian stone brought over in whose yacht? 362 00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:38,959 Belladoff. 363 00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:41,632 Now will you please show me what I came to see? 364 00:20:41,673 --> 00:20:45,006 Yes, of course. It's through here. 365 00:20:45,043 --> 00:20:46,442 Thank you! 366 00:20:49,381 --> 00:20:53,511 Spent most of that summer painting landscapes, 367 00:20:53,552 --> 00:20:56,146 often from a row boat. 368 00:20:56,188 --> 00:21:01,023 That way, even though he wasn't peeping into a bedroom, 369 00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:03,550 he was still a voyeur. 370 00:21:04,563 --> 00:21:07,691 It's not at all what you expect from Klimt. 371 00:21:07,733 --> 00:21:09,963 The rhythmical grouping. 372 00:21:11,036 --> 00:21:13,561 See the parallelism? Wonderful. 373 00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,163 Symmetry. 374 00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:20,144 He used a grid through which he would compose. 375 00:21:20,178 --> 00:21:23,272 He preferred square-shaped canvases like this one. 376 00:21:24,316 --> 00:21:26,614 It's airless, isn't it? 377 00:21:28,553 --> 00:21:30,748 Unpopulated. 378 00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:33,485 But it's... energized. 379 00:21:34,926 --> 00:21:39,556 Tell me, Jim - Gainsborough, Stubbs, Crome, even, I understand, 380 00:21:39,598 --> 00:21:41,532 but, but why a Klimt? 381 00:21:41,566 --> 00:21:43,830 I mean, how? 382 00:21:43,869 --> 00:21:47,066 Well, my father was in Vienna in the '30s 383 00:21:47,105 --> 00:21:51,269 and, well, he just saw the way the wind was blowing. 384 00:21:54,179 --> 00:21:56,409 (Koopman) It's wonderful. 385 00:21:56,448 --> 00:21:59,178 How do you arrive at your price, Lovejoy? 386 00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:02,211 Research. 387 00:22:20,706 --> 00:22:27,236 Oils, when applied with heavy impasto, as for example, with Van Gogh, 388 00:22:27,279 --> 00:22:30,248 can take up to 20 years to harden. 389 00:22:30,282 --> 00:22:32,307 Klimt died in 1918. 390 00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:34,046 Exactly. 391 00:22:39,257 --> 00:22:42,715 All right, Jim. It's on. 392 00:22:42,761 --> 00:22:45,787 - How would you like to be paid? - Lavishly. 393 00:22:45,831 --> 00:22:47,162 Huh! 394 00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:50,168 - Diamonds? - Yeah, it's a good choice. 395 00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:53,262 Can't be personalized or easily identified. 396 00:22:53,305 --> 00:22:55,034 Easy to carry, yeah. 397 00:22:55,073 --> 00:22:57,940 Give me 48 hours. 398 00:23:00,912 --> 00:23:03,779 - Coffee, gentlemen? - Ah! 399 00:23:03,815 --> 00:23:07,581 Perhaps your sister would like to come to Amsterdam with me, 400 00:23:07,619 --> 00:23:10,884 so that she could help to choose the stones? 401 00:23:10,922 --> 00:23:13,550 ♪ Diamonds are a girl's best friend... ♪ 402 00:23:13,592 --> 00:23:17,084 - Milk and sugar? - Er, yes, please. 403 00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,299 Aha. 404 00:23:22,334 --> 00:23:24,859 Someone's been shooting here. 405 00:23:24,903 --> 00:23:26,461 (Sniffs) 406 00:23:26,505 --> 00:23:28,496 And recently, too. 407 00:23:29,941 --> 00:23:32,341 Tell me, Jim, what sort of game do you have here? 408 00:23:32,377 --> 00:23:34,675 Ooh, the usual sort. 409 00:23:37,449 --> 00:23:39,610 Well, a pheasant or three. 410 00:23:39,651 --> 00:23:41,312 Partridge. 411 00:23:42,354 --> 00:23:44,288 No grouse? 412 00:23:45,056 --> 00:23:46,785 Grouse? Erm... 413 00:23:46,825 --> 00:23:48,952 Too far south. 414 00:24:07,045 --> 00:24:10,037 So... I'll see you boys on Sunday. 415 00:24:10,081 --> 00:24:13,573 Sunday. Well, as it's the weekend, we can relax, make it a party. 416 00:24:13,618 --> 00:24:16,644 Good idea. Business and pleasure, it's a great mixture. 417 00:24:16,688 --> 00:24:18,986 We'll invite a few friends, hmm? 418 00:24:19,024 --> 00:24:22,187 Or while you're at it, you could find someone to shoot with me. 419 00:24:22,227 --> 00:24:23,592 No problem. 420 00:24:23,628 --> 00:24:26,961 I haven't killed anything recently, I really look forward to it. 421 00:24:29,401 --> 00:24:31,699 - Something wrong? - Oh, make it a party, 422 00:24:31,736 --> 00:24:34,534 invite a few friends, friends who shoot. 423 00:24:34,573 --> 00:24:36,370 What friends? 424 00:24:36,408 --> 00:24:37,534 Hmm. 425 00:24:44,416 --> 00:24:45,883 Can you shoot, Lovejoy? 426 00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:49,045 - Water pistol. - (Chuckles) 427 00:24:49,087 --> 00:24:51,112 And that was a long time ago. 428 00:24:52,357 --> 00:24:55,918 Only thing Jim can shoot is his mouth. 429 00:24:55,961 --> 00:24:58,555 A marksman, he's just shown me that. 430 00:24:59,598 --> 00:25:01,122 Why did you do it? 431 00:25:02,901 --> 00:25:04,630 People in love will say anything. 432 00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:06,864 Two years we've been working this scam. 433 00:25:10,842 --> 00:25:13,106 There's more to this than diamonds, isn't there, hm? 434 00:25:15,046 --> 00:25:16,707 My father. 435 00:25:16,748 --> 00:25:20,275 - Xanadu bought everything he painted. - What's wrong with that? 436 00:25:20,318 --> 00:25:22,513 Most artists never sell anything in their lifetime. 437 00:25:22,554 --> 00:25:24,283 Look at Modigliani, look at Van Gogh. 438 00:25:24,322 --> 00:25:28,224 They stored his pictures in a warehouse in Zürich, they never saw the light of day. 439 00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:31,195 It broke his heart - everything he painted, gone. 440 00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:35,397 (Jim) They contracted him for 20 canvases a year. 441 00:25:35,433 --> 00:25:40,166 Now, of course, they're dripping back onto the market, sold for huge profits. 442 00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:43,663 Dad's dead now and neither Mother nor I saw a penny of the money. 443 00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:45,039 Judy. 444 00:25:46,144 --> 00:25:48,908 We first saw the Klimt two years ago last Easter. 445 00:25:48,947 --> 00:25:52,644 Two years of getting to know the Trenchards, winning their confidence, 446 00:25:52,684 --> 00:25:54,709 six months trailing Koopman. 447 00:25:54,753 --> 00:25:57,017 We've got to nail the bastard. 448 00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:59,990 We've still got 48 hours. 449 00:26:01,826 --> 00:26:04,522 Is there no one we can call on? 450 00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:05,962 No one at all? 451 00:26:07,032 --> 00:26:11,264 Lovejoy, what about you? You must know someone. 452 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:18,934 - Do you know the trouble with housework? - What? 453 00:26:18,977 --> 00:26:21,844 You get everything neat and clean, spick and span, 454 00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:25,577 not a mote of dust anywhere, windows gleaming, 455 00:26:25,617 --> 00:26:28,211 six months later you have to do it all again. 456 00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:30,380 Well, you like being a bachelor, Tink. 457 00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:31,650 Sometimes. 458 00:26:31,690 --> 00:26:34,056 Well, you should've got used to it in the army, yeah? 459 00:26:34,092 --> 00:26:35,821 Soldiers of the Queen, Lovejoy. 460 00:26:35,860 --> 00:26:39,387 They must've taught you to shoot a gun as well, eh, Tink? 461 00:26:39,431 --> 00:26:43,458 It's not a gun, Lovejoy, it's a rifle. It's a 303 Enfield, as a matter of fact. 462 00:26:43,501 --> 00:26:45,435 - I've got awards for it. - Really? 463 00:26:45,470 --> 00:26:47,165 Yes! I was voted the worst shot 464 00:26:47,205 --> 00:26:50,174 since the regiment was formed in the '45 rebellion. 465 00:26:50,208 --> 00:26:52,199 So you can't shoot. 466 00:26:53,211 --> 00:26:58,615 And I certainly can't shoot. Who do we know who can shoot? 467 00:26:58,650 --> 00:27:01,084 - Eric. - Eric? 468 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,679 - He was a poacher, remember? - Yeah? 469 00:27:03,722 --> 00:27:07,749 Many's the brace of poached pheasants that he sold in his father's shop. 470 00:27:07,792 --> 00:27:10,659 He put the down payment on his first Norton that way. 471 00:27:10,695 --> 00:27:14,529 Oh. So he can be our gentleman farmer. 472 00:27:15,767 --> 00:27:19,328 We've already got Lady Jane, so she can be your erm... 473 00:27:19,371 --> 00:27:21,430 - Wife? - Granddaughter. 474 00:27:21,473 --> 00:27:24,840 - Oh, Lovejoy! - (Laughs) 475 00:27:24,876 --> 00:27:26,468 Just kidding, Tink. 476 00:27:26,511 --> 00:27:29,207 You can be her dad. 477 00:27:29,247 --> 00:27:30,578 Trust me. 478 00:27:30,615 --> 00:27:37,748 Those two words have preceded some of the worst experiences of my life, Lovejoy. 479 00:27:37,789 --> 00:27:40,519 All I've got to do is talk Jane into it now. 480 00:27:40,558 --> 00:27:43,652 No way, Lovejoy. Absolutely no way. 481 00:27:43,695 --> 00:27:45,890 - Janey! - No! 482 00:27:45,930 --> 00:27:48,797 I'm not playing Bonnie to your Clyde ever again. 483 00:27:48,833 --> 00:27:52,200 - But I don't rob banks. - You would if you could get away with it. 484 00:27:52,237 --> 00:27:54,865 - Only a teeny one. - Huh! 485 00:27:54,906 --> 00:27:56,373 The ring, remember? 486 00:27:56,408 --> 00:27:58,638 There was an explanation for that, wasn't there? 487 00:27:58,677 --> 00:28:01,612 - There always is. - Mitigating circumstances. 488 00:28:01,646 --> 00:28:03,841 - No. - Janey, it's a day in the country. 489 00:28:03,882 --> 00:28:07,784 A nice lunch, couple of drinks, lots of fresh air - what could be better, eh? 490 00:28:07,819 --> 00:28:11,016 - I live in the country. - Hmm? 491 00:28:11,056 --> 00:28:13,320 - Why? - Why what? 492 00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:15,019 - Just that. - What? 493 00:28:15,060 --> 00:28:16,254 - Why? - What do you mean, why? 494 00:28:16,294 --> 00:28:18,353 Who's going to be there? What's the angle? 495 00:28:18,396 --> 00:28:20,660 The angle? Where do you get these ideas from? 496 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,291 From you. 497 00:28:22,333 --> 00:28:26,702 Well, my friend, Jim Leonard. Jim Leonard and Judy Leonard 498 00:28:26,738 --> 00:28:29,332 and this Dutchman, Hans Koopman. 499 00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:32,571 They want to show him the perfect English Sunday. 500 00:28:32,610 --> 00:28:36,307 Hmm. So why does Tinker have to pretend to be Lord Didsbury? 501 00:28:36,347 --> 00:28:38,474 Well, for fun. 502 00:28:38,516 --> 00:28:40,074 For color! 503 00:28:40,118 --> 00:28:42,951 You know these Europeans, they love tea at Windsor Castle, 504 00:28:42,987 --> 00:28:44,181 BandB at Balmoral. 505 00:28:44,222 --> 00:28:45,246 Mm. 506 00:28:45,290 --> 00:28:46,655 No. 507 00:28:46,691 --> 00:28:49,660 - How much is involved? - How much what? 508 00:28:49,694 --> 00:28:51,184 Money. Moolah. 509 00:28:51,229 --> 00:28:53,322 - Money? There's no money involved. - No? 510 00:28:53,364 --> 00:28:56,356 No, no. Read my lips. No money involved. 511 00:28:56,401 --> 00:28:57,993 I don't believe you. 512 00:28:58,036 --> 00:29:00,027 On my mother's grave. 513 00:29:00,071 --> 00:29:01,698 She's not dead. 514 00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:04,470 Anyway, my nieces are coming for the weekend. 515 00:29:04,509 --> 00:29:06,943 You can bring them as well, can't you? 516 00:29:06,978 --> 00:29:08,809 (Sighs) 517 00:29:26,965 --> 00:29:30,332 This is Charlotte, Samantha... 518 00:29:30,368 --> 00:29:33,633 - Henry Catchpole, Lord Didsbury... - Hello! 519 00:29:33,671 --> 00:29:35,195 Jim, Judy... 520 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:40,906 Warren, could you take Lord Didsbury and Catchpole to their rooms 521 00:29:40,945 --> 00:29:43,607 and I'll get started on the Pimms. 522 00:29:43,648 --> 00:29:47,379 Oh, Koopman will be here in a quarter of an hour. 523 00:29:47,418 --> 00:29:49,386 I'll get Lady Jane to meet him. 524 00:29:49,420 --> 00:29:51,388 Splendid. 525 00:29:51,422 --> 00:29:53,447 How did Jim get Rokeby Hall? 526 00:29:53,491 --> 00:29:56,221 - House-sitting. - For the Trenchards? 527 00:29:56,261 --> 00:29:58,024 - Oh, you know them? - Vaguely. 528 00:29:58,062 --> 00:30:00,758 - Have you seen the Klimt? - Ooh, yes. 529 00:30:04,736 --> 00:30:07,034 The bell is over the bed, my lord. 530 00:30:07,071 --> 00:30:09,801 Mineral water and fruit on the side. 531 00:30:09,841 --> 00:30:13,436 - I take it you'd like the Times? - That would be most amenable. 532 00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:16,072 - Would you like me to unpack for you? - Oh, no. 533 00:30:16,114 --> 00:30:18,173 I'll do that myself, thank you. 534 00:30:18,216 --> 00:30:21,652 Ooh, shoes left outside at night in the usual way. 535 00:30:21,686 --> 00:30:22,983 Of course. 536 00:30:23,021 --> 00:30:24,545 My lord. 537 00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:35,424 - This is a bit of all right, innit? - Shh! 538 00:30:35,466 --> 00:30:37,491 Ha! You've got a four-poster. 539 00:30:37,535 --> 00:30:39,366 Yes, most agreeable. 540 00:30:41,306 --> 00:30:45,242 Tinker, it's me, Eric. You don't have to give me all that Lord Didsbury bit. 541 00:30:45,276 --> 00:30:48,109 I'm trying to keep in character, as Lovejoy told me. 542 00:30:48,146 --> 00:30:50,239 Cor, look at this load of old grot. 543 00:30:50,281 --> 00:30:52,476 Yes, well, I wasn't expecting to do a stopover. 544 00:30:52,517 --> 00:30:54,542 Still, a smashing gaff, though, innit, eh? 545 00:30:54,586 --> 00:30:56,816 There's something in the paper might interest you. 546 00:30:58,022 --> 00:31:00,013 Ha! What did I tell you? 547 00:31:00,058 --> 00:31:05,291 - (Chuckles) - £1,400 for a half-eaten piece of toast? 548 00:31:05,330 --> 00:31:07,491 29-year-old toast at that. 549 00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:09,523 At Christie's? They must be mad. 550 00:31:09,567 --> 00:31:12,695 Yeah but it's George Harrison's toast, innit, see? 551 00:31:12,737 --> 00:31:15,399 What did I tell you? Pop. 552 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:16,998 George who? 553 00:31:18,843 --> 00:31:21,539 - Oh, yes. - Good shot, Charlotte. Who's winning? 554 00:31:21,579 --> 00:31:22,568 - I am! - I am! 555 00:31:29,487 --> 00:31:32,547 They sent me to meet you. Thought you might get lost. 556 00:31:32,590 --> 00:31:35,388 - How thoughtful. - Jane Felsham. 557 00:31:35,426 --> 00:31:38,623 Hans Koopman. Please, can I offer you a lift? 558 00:31:38,663 --> 00:31:40,153 Thank you. 559 00:32:11,863 --> 00:32:15,026 Koopman. I don't believe you've met Lord Didsbury, 560 00:32:15,066 --> 00:32:16,624 Lady Jane's father. 561 00:32:16,668 --> 00:32:18,693 Pleased to meet you, sir. 562 00:32:18,736 --> 00:32:20,727 Lady Jane. 563 00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:22,171 Koopman. 564 00:32:22,206 --> 00:32:25,869 Tell me, how did you get such a beautiful daughter? 565 00:32:25,910 --> 00:32:29,368 It's in the breeding, you know. There's been Didsburys since Agincourt. 566 00:32:29,414 --> 00:32:31,814 If we haven't got it right yet, we never will have, what? 567 00:32:33,785 --> 00:32:35,514 Are you coming to shoot with us? 568 00:32:35,553 --> 00:32:40,081 I'm damned if I am. I pierced an ear drum with the Fusiliers. 569 00:32:40,124 --> 00:32:43,753 When I have a stopover in town, I put up at me club, 570 00:32:43,795 --> 00:32:46,161 I used to telephone home just to hear the dogs bark. 571 00:32:46,197 --> 00:32:49,189 Can't do it any more. Tragedy, what? 572 00:32:49,233 --> 00:32:51,394 - Shall we? - Mmm. 573 00:32:51,436 --> 00:32:55,964 Aunt Jane, do you mind if I borrow your car to practice some reversing? 574 00:32:56,007 --> 00:32:59,875 OK but be careful. Her driving test is on Tuesday. 575 00:32:59,911 --> 00:33:01,708 Keep knocking 'em in, girls. 576 00:33:01,746 --> 00:33:06,080 You old phony. It was Elgar used to phone home to see how his dogs were. 577 00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:08,782 - (Shot) - Bravo. 578 00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:10,378 Very good. 579 00:33:11,389 --> 00:33:14,358 You've done this before. 580 00:33:17,729 --> 00:33:19,094 Pull. 581 00:33:21,599 --> 00:33:22,793 Ah! 582 00:33:23,668 --> 00:33:27,035 Pity we haven't time to go after some pheasants. 583 00:33:27,071 --> 00:33:28,060 Eh? 584 00:33:28,106 --> 00:33:30,574 It's a pity we haven't time to go after some pheasants. 585 00:33:30,608 --> 00:33:33,406 - Oh, not before October, Mr. Koopman. - No? 586 00:33:33,444 --> 00:33:37,073 No, er - out of season. You can bag a few pigeons but no pheasant. 587 00:33:37,115 --> 00:33:40,915 - I want to talk to you. - (Koopman) Pull! 588 00:33:40,952 --> 00:33:42,351 (Shot) 589 00:33:42,387 --> 00:33:44,878 God verdamme. 590 00:33:44,922 --> 00:33:47,288 Bring it round. Careful, not so fast. 591 00:33:48,092 --> 00:33:50,560 That's it. Go on. 592 00:33:51,062 --> 00:33:52,393 - Care... - (Crashing) 593 00:33:53,398 --> 00:33:56,026 Oh, my God. 594 00:33:59,670 --> 00:34:00,932 Jane'll kill me. 595 00:34:00,972 --> 00:34:04,931 There's no damage to Jane's, it's that one. You've squashed its bottom. 596 00:34:04,976 --> 00:34:06,876 - Whose is it? - No idea. 597 00:34:06,911 --> 00:34:09,402 At least it wasn't the Roller. 598 00:34:09,447 --> 00:34:13,144 It's so good of you, Lord Didsbury, to help out. 599 00:34:14,419 --> 00:34:16,148 A pleasure, my dear. 600 00:34:16,187 --> 00:34:18,348 A pleasure. 601 00:34:18,389 --> 00:34:20,721 My brother and I are most grateful. 602 00:34:20,758 --> 00:34:22,749 It's a charming house. 603 00:34:23,528 --> 00:34:26,395 Yes, we love it. 604 00:34:27,765 --> 00:34:30,563 - Mr. Leonard? - Oh! Jim, please. 605 00:34:31,502 --> 00:34:33,527 - You're Charlie? - I'm Sam. 606 00:34:33,571 --> 00:34:36,938 Oh, typical. I couldn't even pick the winner of a two-horse race. 607 00:34:36,974 --> 00:34:40,637 - Has anyone offered you a sherry, Sam? - No, please, erm... 608 00:34:40,678 --> 00:34:44,011 I've got a confession to make. I've had an awful accident. 609 00:34:44,048 --> 00:34:45,948 Oh. Anyone hurt? 610 00:34:45,983 --> 00:34:48,349 - No. - Well, that's all that matters. 611 00:34:48,386 --> 00:34:51,378 It's only people who can't be replaced or repaired. 612 00:34:51,422 --> 00:34:54,448 Well, I reversed into your car. 613 00:34:54,492 --> 00:34:58,792 Oh, heavens, child, I'm always pranging it. Don't worry about it. 614 00:34:59,897 --> 00:35:03,025 - My foot slipped. - Must be your shoes. 615 00:35:03,067 --> 00:35:05,763 Don't worry. Don't let it ruin your day. 616 00:35:05,803 --> 00:35:08,271 - You're awfully kind. - Oh, I am. 617 00:35:31,295 --> 00:35:33,456 - Jim? - Lovejoy! 618 00:35:33,498 --> 00:35:35,159 What's going on? 619 00:35:35,199 --> 00:35:36,359 Huh? 620 00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,460 - Koopman's Klimt. - What, in there? 621 00:35:39,504 --> 00:35:41,199 - Yes. - Why? 622 00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:43,264 Why? So nobody could find it. 623 00:35:44,542 --> 00:35:45,770 - Got a tire lever? - Yes. 624 00:35:45,810 --> 00:35:48,040 - Well? - It's in the boot. 625 00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,714 What's going on? 626 00:35:51,749 --> 00:35:53,944 The Klimt bloody copy is in there. 627 00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:57,051 - Oh! - Oh, God. 628 00:35:57,088 --> 00:35:58,919 - Now what? - Nearest garage. 629 00:35:58,956 --> 00:36:00,685 - It's Sunday. - Nearest garage. 630 00:36:00,725 --> 00:36:02,556 - The village. - Give me the keys. 631 00:36:02,593 --> 00:36:05,426 - No, I'll go, you talk to Koopman. - What about lunch? 632 00:36:05,463 --> 00:36:07,624 Erm, migraine. 633 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:11,525 - We'll stall him. - For how long? 634 00:36:11,569 --> 00:36:13,730 For as long as it takes. 635 00:36:17,608 --> 00:36:22,477 So you might think that that tapestry is Flemish 636 00:36:22,513 --> 00:36:26,347 but in fact, it's English. 637 00:36:27,218 --> 00:36:29,743 In fact, as English as this lunch we're having. 638 00:36:29,787 --> 00:36:31,982 Mortlake, 17th century. 639 00:36:34,625 --> 00:36:36,991 I'm sorry we're denied Judy's company. 640 00:36:37,028 --> 00:36:41,260 Er, Warren? You sent up a tray? 641 00:36:41,299 --> 00:36:44,325 - I did, sir. - They come out of nowhere, migraines. 642 00:36:44,368 --> 00:36:48,065 My friend, a single piece of chocolate or a slice of cheese devastates her. 643 00:36:48,105 --> 00:36:52,041 The poor gal! Should I pop up and see her, Leonard? 644 00:36:52,076 --> 00:36:55,239 Er, Lady Jane, the English peerage, 645 00:36:55,279 --> 00:37:01,343 who is a duke or a count or a lord, it confuses the hell out of me. 646 00:37:01,385 --> 00:37:04,980 (Chuckles) Most of us, too. 647 00:37:10,394 --> 00:37:12,385 (Horn sounds) 648 00:37:15,666 --> 00:37:17,429 Hello? 649 00:37:17,468 --> 00:37:20,198 Hello, is anyone in? 650 00:37:21,472 --> 00:37:22,461 Hello! 651 00:37:22,506 --> 00:37:27,239 No, I mean, these slabs of shiny bright red stuff, 652 00:37:27,278 --> 00:37:29,212 I mean, it's like eating plastic. 653 00:37:29,247 --> 00:37:32,080 Because the taste of your meat is in the marbling, you see. 654 00:37:32,116 --> 00:37:34,277 I mean, take your French Charolais. 655 00:37:34,318 --> 00:37:38,482 Great hogs. You've only got to take one look at them, they're beasts of burden. 656 00:37:38,522 --> 00:37:40,456 They're about as tasty as a tractor. 657 00:37:40,491 --> 00:37:44,257 Now, you see, we should never have neglected our own. 658 00:37:44,295 --> 00:37:48,857 Now, take your Galloway. I mean, it's like a carpet with four hooves on the corners. 659 00:37:50,468 --> 00:37:54,632 Erm, how big is your spread, Mr. Catchpole? 660 00:37:54,672 --> 00:37:56,071 Sorry? 661 00:37:57,441 --> 00:38:01,707 - The farm. - Ah. Er... 662 00:38:01,746 --> 00:38:02,974 400 acres. 663 00:38:04,148 --> 00:38:06,514 Oh. In the arable? 664 00:38:08,452 --> 00:38:10,147 I'm sorry? 665 00:38:10,187 --> 00:38:12,246 Um, a-ara... a-arable. 666 00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:15,088 Ah, erm. 667 00:38:15,126 --> 00:38:16,491 No, no. 668 00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:24,093 Why, the official viewpoint in the upper house, 669 00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:29,163 the Lords, that is, is we'll never crack this European thing 670 00:38:29,206 --> 00:38:31,106 till we can hook you European johnnies onto cricket. 671 00:38:31,142 --> 00:38:32,268 That'll be the day. 672 00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:35,575 They've asked me to get up a committee to explain the finer points. 673 00:38:35,613 --> 00:38:38,514 The initial briefing goes something like this. 674 00:38:38,549 --> 00:38:43,509 Cricket. There are two sides out in the field, one out and one in. 675 00:38:43,554 --> 00:38:46,455 And each chap that's in the side that's in goes out 676 00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:48,390 and when he's out, he comes back in 677 00:38:48,426 --> 00:38:50,917 and the next chap goes in, until he's out. 678 00:38:52,029 --> 00:38:55,556 And when they're all out, the side that's been out comes in 679 00:38:55,599 --> 00:39:00,127 and the side that's in goes out and tries to get out the chaps that are coming in. 680 00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:03,004 Then, of course, you'll get a chap who's still in 681 00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:05,031 and therefore not out. 682 00:39:05,076 --> 00:39:09,274 But once everybody's been in and out, including the not-outs, 683 00:39:09,313 --> 00:39:12,146 that's the end of the match. It's really quite simple. 684 00:39:14,085 --> 00:39:16,349 Very good, Lord Didsbury. 685 00:39:18,356 --> 00:39:20,449 How... How long's it going to take? 686 00:39:25,429 --> 00:39:27,226 Judy. 687 00:39:27,264 --> 00:39:29,289 Five minutes. OK. 688 00:39:31,035 --> 00:39:33,902 They must be kept at a constant temperature, 689 00:39:33,938 --> 00:39:36,736 it mustn't vary more than a couple of degrees, 690 00:39:36,774 --> 00:39:40,266 - somewhere between 50 and... - 55. 691 00:39:40,311 --> 00:39:42,211 Fahrenheit, yes. 692 00:39:42,246 --> 00:39:45,113 Tell me, do you have cellars like these at Felsham? 693 00:39:45,149 --> 00:39:48,550 If we had, we'd have all been alcoholics by now. 694 00:39:48,586 --> 00:39:51,851 Well, Lord Didsbury looks as though he enjoys a snort. 695 00:39:51,889 --> 00:39:53,880 Yes. It has been known. 696 00:39:53,924 --> 00:39:55,653 Well, that explains it. 697 00:39:55,693 --> 00:40:02,189 Oh, look! Chateau Mouton Rothschild, 1976. 698 00:40:02,233 --> 00:40:05,828 You know, that's just after it was promoted to first growth. 699 00:40:05,870 --> 00:40:08,065 Strictly for family and close friends. 700 00:40:09,507 --> 00:40:12,999 How soon could we be close friends, 701 00:40:13,043 --> 00:40:14,704 Jane? 702 00:40:14,745 --> 00:40:16,178 (Laughs nervously) 703 00:40:22,953 --> 00:40:24,614 Everything OK? 704 00:40:25,589 --> 00:40:28,422 I think so. 705 00:40:28,459 --> 00:40:30,654 I'll get this side, you do that side. 706 00:40:37,034 --> 00:40:41,528 Oh, art is business, Lady Jane. 707 00:40:42,773 --> 00:40:48,302 You see, pictures, statues, silver, archaeological remains, 708 00:40:48,345 --> 00:40:51,576 all of these are product, nothing more. 709 00:40:51,615 --> 00:40:54,209 - Do I have to? - Oh, Tinker, please. 710 00:40:54,251 --> 00:40:56,617 It's my claustrophobia. 711 00:40:56,654 --> 00:40:58,246 Do it for me. 712 00:40:58,289 --> 00:40:59,881 I'll try. 713 00:41:08,833 --> 00:41:10,892 (Sighs) 714 00:41:24,348 --> 00:41:29,342 It's wonderful what copyists can do but they can't quite get the aura. 715 00:41:29,386 --> 00:41:32,014 They just can't match the feeling. 716 00:41:32,056 --> 00:41:33,751 Where will this go? 717 00:41:33,791 --> 00:41:37,818 This? Oh, to Berne or to Zürich. 718 00:41:39,463 --> 00:41:44,400 Thank you. Tell me, have you heard of a man called Sir Harry T. Garden? 719 00:41:44,435 --> 00:41:46,232 - He lives in Warwick? - No. 720 00:41:46,270 --> 00:41:49,262 Ah, I'm supposed to buy a Renoir from him this evening. 721 00:41:49,306 --> 00:41:52,639 Yes, the poor man is in debt to the tax man. 722 00:41:52,676 --> 00:41:54,871 Oh, Sunday busy Sunday, eh? 723 00:41:55,646 --> 00:41:57,580 Excuse me. 724 00:41:57,615 --> 00:41:59,981 - Oh, thank you. - Allow me. 725 00:42:00,017 --> 00:42:02,485 - Oh, that's very kind. - Mr. Koopman. 726 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,216 - Thank you so much. Thank you. - Not at all. 727 00:42:09,460 --> 00:42:12,588 (Lovejoy) You really enjoy your work, don't you, Hans? 728 00:42:12,630 --> 00:42:15,292 Yes, yes, I do. I enjoy it very much. 729 00:42:15,332 --> 00:42:18,790 Especially the moment when you complete a deal, you know. 730 00:42:18,836 --> 00:42:21,430 That is the moment of triumph. 731 00:42:21,472 --> 00:42:26,876 You know, if it wasn't for the greed that is within us all, 732 00:42:26,911 --> 00:42:31,280 then Xanadu would never have been the fabled home of Kubla Khan. 733 00:42:31,315 --> 00:42:37,220 Well, beauty's always been for sale but sometimes at too high a price. 734 00:42:37,254 --> 00:42:40,223 Oh, never, Lovejoy, never. 735 00:42:42,026 --> 00:42:45,359 - Come, let's go to the car. - (Chuckles) 736 00:42:51,235 --> 00:42:52,463 Good, good. 737 00:42:58,075 --> 00:43:01,010 - Remember Xanadu! - We will. 738 00:43:03,981 --> 00:43:06,745 Whatever you did to him, I don't mind. 739 00:43:06,784 --> 00:43:09,309 - Thanks for all your help, Janey. - Glad to oblige. 740 00:43:11,255 --> 00:43:13,655 - Keep an eye on Tinker. - What, drunk too much? 741 00:43:13,691 --> 00:43:15,852 I think he's falling for Judy. 742 00:43:15,893 --> 00:43:19,056 - What? - I wouldn't expect you to notice. 743 00:43:19,096 --> 00:43:20,586 - See you in the morning. - Mm. 744 00:43:20,631 --> 00:43:22,098 - Bye, girls. - Bye. 745 00:43:26,103 --> 00:43:28,333 - Xanadu! - Xanadu! 746 00:43:28,372 --> 00:43:31,967 - What about the diamonds, Jim? - Safely locked away. 747 00:43:32,009 --> 00:43:33,237 We'll divvy up in the morning. 748 00:43:33,277 --> 00:43:37,839 Diamonds in the moonlight. Such purity. 749 00:43:38,515 --> 00:43:44,977 Well, I'm for bed. It's been an exhausting day. I'll see you in the morning. 750 00:43:45,022 --> 00:43:46,853 Good night, Jim. 751 00:43:49,326 --> 00:43:52,193 Champagne... 752 00:43:52,229 --> 00:43:54,220 stately homes, diamonds... 753 00:43:54,264 --> 00:43:56,095 I feel like James Bond. 754 00:43:57,735 --> 00:44:00,704 So that's two two-minute eggs. 755 00:44:00,738 --> 00:44:02,296 Yup. For him. 756 00:44:02,339 --> 00:44:04,170 Two three-minute eggs for me. 757 00:44:05,843 --> 00:44:07,777 Er, toast - brown or white? 758 00:44:07,811 --> 00:44:09,176 - Brown. - Er, white, please. 759 00:44:11,281 --> 00:44:13,715 - Er, juice to start? - Please. 760 00:44:13,751 --> 00:44:15,241 No, thank you. 761 00:44:16,754 --> 00:44:18,312 Er... Tea or coffee? 762 00:44:18,355 --> 00:44:19,982 - Coffee. - Tea, please. 763 00:44:21,792 --> 00:44:25,694 Ooh, and the time - 8:30? 764 00:44:25,729 --> 00:44:27,287 (Both) Fine. 765 00:44:27,331 --> 00:44:28,559 Yeah. 766 00:44:28,599 --> 00:44:30,089 Oh! (Laughs) 767 00:44:30,134 --> 00:44:32,500 - Thank you very much. - Good night, Warren. 768 00:44:36,507 --> 00:44:38,737 I could get used to this, Lovejoy. 769 00:44:38,776 --> 00:44:40,505 - No, it'd spoil you. - Spoil me for what? 770 00:44:40,544 --> 00:44:43,012 Excuse me, what's this number? 771 00:44:43,047 --> 00:44:44,309 Oh, that's Samantha's number. 772 00:44:44,348 --> 00:44:48,011 - And I suppose that's Charlotte's? - It's just a bit of insurance, you know. 773 00:44:50,120 --> 00:44:51,985 Good night, sweet lady, 774 00:44:52,022 --> 00:44:54,923 and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. 775 00:44:56,493 --> 00:44:58,586 Good night, dear Tinker. 776 00:45:01,198 --> 00:45:02,688 Night, Lovejoy, Eric. 777 00:45:02,733 --> 00:45:04,724 - Night, Judy. - Ma'am. 778 00:45:06,503 --> 00:45:09,700 - The girl of my dreams. - Oh, Tinker, you've just met her. 779 00:45:09,740 --> 00:45:11,173 No, Lovejoy. 780 00:45:11,208 --> 00:45:14,041 I feel I've known her all my life. 781 00:45:56,220 --> 00:45:57,448 (Sniffs) 782 00:46:00,157 --> 00:46:01,624 (Sniffs) 783 00:46:09,133 --> 00:46:10,794 (Sniffs deeply) 784 00:46:38,962 --> 00:46:41,089 - It's quarter past nine. - So? 785 00:46:41,131 --> 00:46:43,861 - Well, have you had your breakfast yet? - No, not yet. 786 00:46:43,901 --> 00:46:45,562 Well, exactly. 787 00:46:45,602 --> 00:46:46,728 I'll ring for it now. 788 00:46:46,770 --> 00:46:49,204 It's a waste of time. I've been ringing for half an hour. 789 00:46:49,239 --> 00:46:52,231 Then we'll jolly well go and chivvy them up, what? 790 00:46:52,276 --> 00:46:54,972 (Chuckles) 791 00:47:00,751 --> 00:47:03,083 Smells good. Hello? 792 00:47:07,157 --> 00:47:09,182 (Tinker) Hello? 793 00:47:12,095 --> 00:47:14,086 Hello? 794 00:47:25,742 --> 00:47:28,506 - Lovejoy! Lovejoy! - Lovejoy! 795 00:47:28,545 --> 00:47:32,072 - It's the Mary Celeste! - They've done a runner. 796 00:47:32,115 --> 00:47:34,481 The house is deserted, they've all gone. 797 00:47:37,120 --> 00:47:38,610 Did you divvy up the diamonds? 798 00:47:40,123 --> 00:47:42,091 And who the hell's this, now? 799 00:47:45,996 --> 00:47:47,987 It must be the Trenchards. 800 00:47:48,031 --> 00:47:49,658 Time to go. 801 00:48:25,235 --> 00:48:26,532 Yes? 802 00:48:26,570 --> 00:48:29,403 Ach, God verdamme! 803 00:48:31,775 --> 00:48:33,766 Café con sucre, Juan Pedro. 804 00:48:33,810 --> 00:48:36,210 You just relax, there, Tinker, eh? 805 00:48:36,246 --> 00:48:40,182 Don't worry about me. After all, they're only your bloody paintings. 806 00:48:44,288 --> 00:48:45,915 Muchas gracias. 807 00:48:45,956 --> 00:48:47,389 Jim. 808 00:48:47,424 --> 00:48:48,584 Judy. 809 00:48:51,295 --> 00:48:55,857 It's all right for you, you lost a few diamonds. I've lost Judy. 810 00:48:56,900 --> 00:49:01,269 - Come on, they're married, Tink. - No, no, they're brother and sister. 811 00:49:02,806 --> 00:49:04,273 What? They're married. 812 00:49:06,443 --> 00:49:08,138 Married? 813 00:49:08,178 --> 00:49:12,444 Oh, I'm sorry to have to break it to you like this but yes, they're married, Tink. 814 00:49:13,684 --> 00:49:15,845 Married? 815 00:49:17,821 --> 00:49:18,845 - (Crashing) - Ow! 816 00:49:18,889 --> 00:49:22,017 Hey, hombre, que es la problema? 817 00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:27,559 Yeah, gracias, mon brave. 818 00:49:28,765 --> 00:49:31,199 Where are these pictures going, Tink? 819 00:49:31,234 --> 00:49:33,702 They're going to my friend at the Prado. 820 00:49:33,737 --> 00:49:37,002 He's head of the research department. His students practice on them. 821 00:49:37,040 --> 00:49:38,234 Oh! 822 00:49:38,275 --> 00:49:43,110 They practice cleaning, patching, removing varnish and restoring the glaze. 823 00:49:43,146 --> 00:49:45,239 So they cut their teeth on your awful pictures? 824 00:49:45,282 --> 00:49:47,273 Well, you can't ruin what's already ruined. 825 00:49:47,317 --> 00:49:51,151 I've got a four-year contract. It's good for gin money if nothing else. 826 00:49:51,722 --> 00:49:54,190 Yeah, well, I told him, the big money's in pop. 827 00:49:54,224 --> 00:49:55,851 Oh, pop off. 828 00:49:58,061 --> 00:50:01,827 What did I say about Jim Leonard teaching me everything I know? 829 00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:05,461 I'm still learning.